On a yearly basis, I have to go to the hospital and get a check up. I know I'm a lean-mean-crime fighting machine, and these doctors need to know if I'm health. Okay, I need to know if I'm health. I could care two pennies what the doctors think. They're job is to tabulate the data and tell me what their professional opinion is. Because you and I both have opinions like we both have assholes too. (Can you tell I'm really bitter about going to see the doctors?)
All right, I show up on time and make sure I have my medical records. In total I only had three places to go to. The first was dental. Which is like jumping from the first level of hell to level five. There, the nurses took x-rays and then sat me in a chair. Here I was poked and prodded. I have a tiny dent in a tooth which I need to look out for. Otherwise, they will have to put a filling in. Not a bad gig till they all noticed I had a wisdom tooth.
Anyway, I survived dental with no issues. Phew! We have a dental cleaning scheduled and life is going to be great!
Then I made my way to Laboratories. Here, I check in and the lady asked if I can pee in a bottle. This is when my bladder turns really shy. First off, I had been fasting since 8PM. It's about 8AM and this lady thinks I've had my daily dose of 4 cups of coffee... So, I opted out of the wiz quiz and asked if I can just donate my blood for the required test. She said sure and we head into the small room of a laboratory. In each corner of the room was a chair for drawing blood. Music filled this room. If memory serves me correct I recall at least two of the chairs being used by other people. I sat in my chair. The nurse put the chest rest in front of me. I'm sure to prevent me from leaving, or giving my arm more than a simple arm rest to be on.
***For those of weak of heart do not read on***
The nurse begins to place the needle in my arm. Took her longer than usual. I say this because I've never had a nurse have a horrible time finding an arteries or vein. Any case, she finally applied the needle into my arm and blood began to spill on the floor. I was just more surprised I had fast flowing blood and was leaking like a faucet. She ripped out the needle and placed a swab on my arm. She told me to apply pressure. So, I did. Then she grabs a new needle and asked for my arm. A couple of people came into the room to clean up the hemoglobin mess I just caused. The nurse did get a vial of blood. But she completely missed the damn basket on the chest/arm bar and the vial falls to the ground and cracks spilling MORE blood on the floor. This would have been Dracula's dream come true! Anyway, she tells me, "Oh, we cant use that one." She reaches for a new vial. But this vial wouldn't allow any blood to pour out. So, she tries a third vial which filled. Then we finally made it to the fourth vial of blood and we were finally done!
***You may continue reading on*****
The end goal was to provide two vials of blood. Mission finally complete. However, before leaving the laboratory the nurse told me she can't have me just leave. Apparently she has no clue how much blood I may have lost and that I needed to sit down for an hour. Well, time for breakfast! It's about 9:30 by this point and I was hungry, grumpy because of no coffee. So, you know how usually nurses take your blood and then give you cookies and OJ. Well these mother forkers walked my lumps to the cafeteria and had me pay for scrambled eggs with sautéed veggies and a venti White Chocolate Mocha. Not the usually prescribed antidote to loss of hemoglobin. But what a horror story... And I was fine throughout the whole thing. It was the other two patients in the room who went pale as a ghost.
After an hour of sitting down and drinking my mocha and backing it up with a laté. I walked back to the Laboratories and did my wiz quiz. Apparently it's been this new rule, people 30 and below need to be tested for the clap. (shakes head) I know, it's like these people don't get the demographic of people being sexually active is not ages 30 and above. So the new bench mark to get to is the age of 30 so I don't have to be wiz quized. However, after 30 I start getting a prostate exam. So, let's weigh the options.... Shall we? Piss in a bottle, or finger up the ass? I'll take wiz quiz for 500 Alex. After all this shenanigans I walked right back to the beginning of this whole adventure to talk to a "doctor."
This is when I got the unsettling news my vision is slipping. It's not 'much'.... but it's enough to go in for corrective glasses. Apparently my vision is 30/20 in both eyes. I explained I don't drive when at night or when it's really, really early. Mainly because I've noticed my night driving is not easy for me. I panic because lights are brighter than they should be. There's a heavy aura around all the signs which makes it hard for me to see. Most of the time its just a green sign with white streaks in it. Or yellow with black streaks which should have been stick figures. Well, thanks to my parents and the genetic pass down. However, unlike my siblings I've outlasted them all. Either because I didn't really need them or I'm just a stubborn bull. In any case, I finally have to go in for glasses. For now, they said they would prescribe me "reading glasses" for driving. Which I can live with. But I'd probably just wear them for everything.
So, there's my new Hospital Horror Story. I hope you all enjoyed the humor to my expense because I sure felt all the pain. My arm which the nurse drew from is bruised. Yes, I look like a crack addict. This weekend is long sleeves till I'm back to normal. Go figure.
All right, I show up on time and make sure I have my medical records. In total I only had three places to go to. The first was dental. Which is like jumping from the first level of hell to level five. There, the nurses took x-rays and then sat me in a chair. Here I was poked and prodded. I have a tiny dent in a tooth which I need to look out for. Otherwise, they will have to put a filling in. Not a bad gig till they all noticed I had a wisdom tooth.
For those of you who have not read my blog, you'll note I've had a horror story with dental before where I went in for a wisdom tooth extraction and the doctor really wanted to pull two teeth; not one. And you may be asking yourself, "Sean, why would you care?"
Well for those of you who didn't know, back when I was a teen my Ortho thought it would be a brilliant idea to pull a baby tooth with no adult coming in. Then, drop the Wisdom tooth and place it as a molar. Most doctors just see an exploded Wisdom tooth at first glance. I have to point out to them to start counting teeth. Once this goes down, they usually tell me, "Well, if there's a cavity or anything wrong with that tooth. We're going to have to pull that one too." These people are just tooth pulling happy. Geeze...Anyway, I survived dental with no issues. Phew! We have a dental cleaning scheduled and life is going to be great!
Then I made my way to Laboratories. Here, I check in and the lady asked if I can pee in a bottle. This is when my bladder turns really shy. First off, I had been fasting since 8PM. It's about 8AM and this lady thinks I've had my daily dose of 4 cups of coffee... So, I opted out of the wiz quiz and asked if I can just donate my blood for the required test. She said sure and we head into the small room of a laboratory. In each corner of the room was a chair for drawing blood. Music filled this room. If memory serves me correct I recall at least two of the chairs being used by other people. I sat in my chair. The nurse put the chest rest in front of me. I'm sure to prevent me from leaving, or giving my arm more than a simple arm rest to be on.
***For those of weak of heart do not read on***
The nurse begins to place the needle in my arm. Took her longer than usual. I say this because I've never had a nurse have a horrible time finding an arteries or vein. Any case, she finally applied the needle into my arm and blood began to spill on the floor. I was just more surprised I had fast flowing blood and was leaking like a faucet. She ripped out the needle and placed a swab on my arm. She told me to apply pressure. So, I did. Then she grabs a new needle and asked for my arm. A couple of people came into the room to clean up the hemoglobin mess I just caused. The nurse did get a vial of blood. But she completely missed the damn basket on the chest/arm bar and the vial falls to the ground and cracks spilling MORE blood on the floor. This would have been Dracula's dream come true! Anyway, she tells me, "Oh, we cant use that one." She reaches for a new vial. But this vial wouldn't allow any blood to pour out. So, she tries a third vial which filled. Then we finally made it to the fourth vial of blood and we were finally done!
***You may continue reading on*****
The end goal was to provide two vials of blood. Mission finally complete. However, before leaving the laboratory the nurse told me she can't have me just leave. Apparently she has no clue how much blood I may have lost and that I needed to sit down for an hour. Well, time for breakfast! It's about 9:30 by this point and I was hungry, grumpy because of no coffee. So, you know how usually nurses take your blood and then give you cookies and OJ. Well these mother forkers walked my lumps to the cafeteria and had me pay for scrambled eggs with sautéed veggies and a venti White Chocolate Mocha. Not the usually prescribed antidote to loss of hemoglobin. But what a horror story... And I was fine throughout the whole thing. It was the other two patients in the room who went pale as a ghost.
After an hour of sitting down and drinking my mocha and backing it up with a laté. I walked back to the Laboratories and did my wiz quiz. Apparently it's been this new rule, people 30 and below need to be tested for the clap. (shakes head) I know, it's like these people don't get the demographic of people being sexually active is not ages 30 and above. So the new bench mark to get to is the age of 30 so I don't have to be wiz quized. However, after 30 I start getting a prostate exam. So, let's weigh the options.... Shall we? Piss in a bottle, or finger up the ass? I'll take wiz quiz for 500 Alex. After all this shenanigans I walked right back to the beginning of this whole adventure to talk to a "doctor."
This is when I got the unsettling news my vision is slipping. It's not 'much'.... but it's enough to go in for corrective glasses. Apparently my vision is 30/20 in both eyes. I explained I don't drive when at night or when it's really, really early. Mainly because I've noticed my night driving is not easy for me. I panic because lights are brighter than they should be. There's a heavy aura around all the signs which makes it hard for me to see. Most of the time its just a green sign with white streaks in it. Or yellow with black streaks which should have been stick figures. Well, thanks to my parents and the genetic pass down. However, unlike my siblings I've outlasted them all. Either because I didn't really need them or I'm just a stubborn bull. In any case, I finally have to go in for glasses. For now, they said they would prescribe me "reading glasses" for driving. Which I can live with. But I'd probably just wear them for everything.
So, there's my new Hospital Horror Story. I hope you all enjoyed the humor to my expense because I sure felt all the pain. My arm which the nurse drew from is bruised. Yes, I look like a crack addict. This weekend is long sleeves till I'm back to normal. Go figure.
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