Lies Men Tell....

I figured on covering the top 15 lies men tell women. Hopefully giving some insight to the ladies on why we do it. Here's to my observation lies men tell.

"Strippers don't turn me on."- Wrong! If your man is seriously trying to pass this one off he's habitually lying. Strippers hit a primitive aria of our brain we can't really explain. I'm sure women going to a bar themselves would have just as much fun as men do... I'd like to hear a woman explain how a male stripper doesn't turn them on.

"You don't look fat in that."
- Instead, of spooning us the question which implies I have to figure out if you look fat or not. How about asking me if you look Hot or Not. That we can do without pissing women off. Ladies, do us a favor and use a different euphemism. Not only will it allow you to figure out what we think is hot on you. But you'll also feel more inclined to ask. Also, if there was no repercussions for saying this shirt doesn't make you look hot would be nice. 

"I don't watch internet porn."
- We all know the sites and I myself have viewed these sites too. Which doesn't mean I'm looking for something exciting a new. Nor does it mean I'm board with my sex life. There's no way I'm fantasizing while having sex with you either. That's a ridiculous notion. It's the same equivalent of going to the porn shop and buying a video at $55. Instead, I'm just watching my neighbors fuck for free. So... With that being said...

"I love you too."
- I know guys who'll say they love a girl just to get in their pants. I don't personally do this and I don't condone it. I find it distasteful and fucked up. But it happens...

"I'm 6'2"..."
- No guy wants to be a shorty. So, sometimes they lie about their height. Then again, girls whom are taller don't really want to be with small guy. So, sometimes guys boost their height by a few inches just to see if they can even get date one. And if the chick really believes they're 6'2" then date two rolls around.

"I've only slept with X amount of girls."
-  Who really keeps count? My ball park is at least 8. I don't count the one night stands... And I wouldn't expect women to do it either.

"I'm interested in so many things."
- Sure we have interest but we're not interested in everything.... 

"Yeah, I'm 23 years old."
- Sometimes guys lie about their age to either be older than the girl. Or the opposite happens. No girl wants to be with a Grandpa and rob the cradle either.

"My dick equals MC^2."
- It's no lie for me to say, guys really don't want to be inadequate. And the D is where we feel it matters. It's been a thing we've worried about since Middle School. Even today I heard a 30 year old imply his dick touches the ground. Of course it doesn't, but it's still something guys feel equate them to being dominate.

"Nothings wrong... I'm fine."
- This isn't really a 'lie' per say. It just means, we're stressed the fuck out and can't find the words to explain. Remember guys are not "stealer" at voicing what's really on their mind. I actually find myself telling Lor I don't have the words to explain where I'm at right now, but I'll tell her when I figure it out.

"Can't wait to see mom and dad."
- Said no married couple, EVER!

"I work out all the time."
-In other words, we're trying to say we're not lazy.

"We'll talk about it later."
- I've never said this, but for those guys who have. Ladies, what he's really trying to do is just avoid the losing conversation and hope you forget about it a year from now. Provided we both know that doesn't happen.

Please comment below and tell me what you think. I'm sure this is a great conversational piece for your relationship too. 

P.S. Ladies, you're next. 

Hello Bubble Bath

It has come to my attention this last week, maybe, just maybe my superiors at work have been over bearing on the employees recently because of two reasons:
1. They didn't have a chance to yell or ground their 16 year old for not taking out the trash. Which can open a Pandora box of many other reasons you would ground your teenager. Finally,
2. Someone didn't get laid last weekend. Which means they probably have to rub one out.
Now, this week on a Tuesday I roll into work usual time in the morning. My boss looks at me and said, "What are you doing here. If Ray is on day shift, that means...." I interrupted in disbelief and depression, "I'm on night check. Got it, be back later." I grab my keys and leave. Mind you, I came into work ready to kick ass and take names. Later in the day it dawned on me school kicked in awhile ago and it means my 3:00pm drive is probably extended to 3:30pm because of buses, and school zones. Next, I roll back into work. This supervisor waits till everyone in my department leaves. Leaving me the only person their, again just the solo guy. I haven't been doing my job long enough to know any better. But we have a dress code. Last I checked men are suppose to look professional. No 5 o'clock shadows. There's also a clause which says, men are to shave once a day. Well, I already did my one shave. I checked for stubble and went to work. This mother fucker had the gall to ask me if I shaved. (Let it be known now, I can't lie to save my life. I have tell and it sucks!) Anyway, I told him I shaved. He asked when; I answered, "in the morning." Which he indulged the irony of his stupid question with a stupid answer... Asking me what time. I told him, "In the morning." Apparently 12 o'clock in the afternoon when I wake up for evening shift is my 'morning.' Never mind I wake up at six anyway to shave my face and hit the sack again. The supervisor has a way of being very condescending as well. Which happens on a normal occurrence when he has ANY reason to talk to our department. Though I immediately contacted my boss about the incident he told me I looked fine. So, at least my boss knew.
The worst part behind the whole thing was how I felt self conscious after. Also, the rest of the week I had a panic attack when around the super. Being as how I attend shift meetings. The point here is, I feel like he's waiting for me to fuck up more so now than before when it was just simple shit.

To finish off my week though I had an interesting conversation with my girlfriends friend. I met her when Lor and I went on our first date. We've been pals sense. Anyway, I realized she hadn't been friends with my band PostOmnis and so I invited her to the band page. She messaged me with, "Why is your photo on the band page." I explained I compose the music for the band and it's really just a group of me and people whom just play. Then she had the light bulb moment of connecting the dots. And for a moment on my end it almost seemed like one of those moments on Hannah Montana when she took off the fucking wig and reviled she's a brunette. Oh, wait... That wasn't the point... There was something about the wig being Hannah, while her without the wig wasn't Hannah... Even though it's the same person... But it's not... Anyway, I had my first Hannah Montana moment! Thank you Amanda!

It was a busy evening last Sunday. Lor was cutting out the patterns to her dress, I was downloading a classic game to our generation called "American McGee, Alice." While playing the game after it downloaded Lor sat up from her pinning the pattern to the cloth. Her hand was on her lower abdomen, I asked her, "Babe, are you okay?" I first thought I would have to drive her to a hospital. She said, "It's that time of the month." First thought after she relieved me of her reasons behind the pain was, "Well, another month of not having babies! phew..." However, after some time of noticing she was in a bad way I said to her, "Love, draw up a bath and I'll get ya some Ice Cream." She looked at me in a very specific way when I know I've queued on the right thought and said to me, "I don't want you to get me ice cream and come home to me not wanting any." So, I insisted on the bath and told her I would be back in fifteen minutes.
Stop one: Went to WalMart because I realized we don't do baths, showers are the usual and maybe she'll just relax in a bubble bath. I pulled up to the Home/Garden aria of the store and began to walk up to the front doors of WalMart to find out the doors were locked and I would have to go into the store from the food market side. Really WalMart!? I planned my trip on the ONE side of the fucking store and I have to walk down and back for no reason! This is when I made the observation, WalMart use to have a Smiley Face for a symbol. Now it's like a fucked up star/flower thing. It's like they know they're pissing people off. I don't remember ever going into a WalMart and having a smile on my face, nor feeling like a star for that matter.
Anyway, I went into the soaps aria and found all alone in it's awesomeness the perfect bubble bath soap. Then I thought to myself, I could see her being uncomfortable without a bath pillow. So, I got one of those too. Finally, I realized it had been a long while since I had a bath too... Maybe some Bath Crayons would be nice. So I got myself some Crayons.
The next and final stop was to Harris Teeters. It's a more high end/ almost world market store and I feel blessed it's just down the street from home. I stopped in and immediately got the last two items to my mental list of things to get her.
As I come home, Lor is on the bathroom floor and I thought to myself another bad floodgate of thoughts. Like, maybe she hurt herself or is really not feeling good. I dropped everything to the floor and sat right next to her. She said to me, "What did you get love?"
By tone alone I realized she's just relaxing herself. I continued to pull out of the four plastic bags: Extra-Chocolate Moose Track Ice Cream, The Bath Pillow, Moscato blushed, and finally the Hello Kitty Strawberry Bubble Bath Soap. Lor almost lost herself and began to cry a little bit. And I couldn't have felt any better. She drew the bath immediately and I began making bowls of ice cream and cups of wine. She relaxed herself in the steamed bath, I sat outside of it and just sipped on the wine. Meanwhile, she looked in the bag and found the Colour Crayons I bought myself. She didn't know what they were. I explained the purpose and she was shocked. I guess when she was a little girl her parents never gave her colouring crayons for the bath tub. Which is weird for me. But then again, we're talking about me... My family isn't exactly normal either...
After the ice cream, wine and Hello Kitty awesomeness at hand. Lor was relaxed and buttered up with just having fun and feeling great. Her tummy wasn't hurting as bad and I stacked my deck of "awesome boyfriend points."
So, gentlemen, if you need schooling on how to make your girlfriend/fiance/wife thing the happiest lady in the world. A bubble bath goes a long, long way.

Finally, my friend at work Shay finally got her driver license. This is after the fact she failed the first time via Grand Theft Auto of my own car. She ran a stop sign. However, after a month of not being able to drive she got behind the wheel. Drove around work and then got pulled over by a cop. We got a "Warning" because we both explained I was teaching g her to drive. She's still new to driving and minding the laws of right of way. So with this said we drove for two hours and she went straight to the DMV. Which I'll go on record to say, they will go on lunch full well knowing people are waiting on them. +shakes head+ Well we went to WaWa and got ourselves a sub and then headed back. After a few minutes she was off to test. She passed and both of us were just relieved the struggle was over. 

Brain Droppings

My Strange Addiction:
Who remembers the lady who ate dryer sheets!? I find it really funny she started off just smelling the sheets, to then putting the sheets in areas of the house which are typical aside from the dryer. Ya'know like the closet to freshen up the smell of the room. Stuff like that. Then, she started to eat them. Best two parts, one she cuts the 'chemical' (huge tip off to the unhealthy habit) with toilet paper. Two, she stuffed them into her bra like a fucking travel pack! This is when I knew this show was a gold mine of great things to talk about.
Next, would be the 22 cat lady whom guess what? Is allergic to the damn cats. It kinda reminded me of a time when Zoe and I combined our cats in a house hold and lived together for a while. In total it was not 22 cats. Oh, lord no... This lady on the show spent days and hours on end cleaning house after the cats. I felt the same way about six of them. Two of which were elder, one adult and three adolescent cats in total.
While I'm completely hashing on these two and many other strange addictions I kinda realized some of them weren't really life threatening and just fucking psychotic breaks. Which I began to ask myself, what is my strange addiction?
Come to find out I have a couple of strange addictions. The most prominent is the fact I get easily convinced into thinking to myself I can use an unknown obscure, world instrument into my music. Which I do use by the way. However, it's like dumping money into a hobby which I'm relatively good at and then just move on to another random instrument. Currently in a year I spent money on: a microKorg, Violin, Kalimba and Kinnor Harp. That's four fucking instruments in total. Neither of which I've ever played in my life. I'm a Pianist for good sakes. The only thing keeping me away from being on a show like My Strange Addiction is the fact neither of these things have been an hindrance to my life style, love life or personal health. Which doesn't make me crazy! Just throwing some underlining reasoning behind all of this.
I also have an addiction to coffee. Enough said.

I realized the other day while flipping between Duck Dynasty and Amish Maffia. I somehow missed a demographic in life.
Amish Mafia Midgets.... Provided there's only the one Midget in the whole show. However, nothing says, "Oh, this guy is hard core" like an Amish Mafia Midget swinging a bat in an underground cellar which has cow milk because someone was doing dirty business under the table.

Has anyone heard of a porno which ended in a tragedy? I'm sitting here, thinking while I'm watching "After Porn Ends." Apparently there's a lot of things people can do after the porn industry ends. I think it's facinating there's porn stars who are now bounty hunters, counselor, and christian activist. There's a porn star whom somehow made the leap to reality TV. There's one chick who finally had to "study" and get her shit together for a job in the reality business and still suck at it (no pun intended). However, what I'd wonder most is probably what these people put on their resume? And it's not just the girls, its apparently (no pun intended) hard for the gentlemen too. Some happen to have become golfers. Apparently there's a niche for these things...

Oddities - Tell me you haven't seen Oddities!? Provided I've always been told by my friends Jamie, Shay, and Ian I'm quite odd and unusual. But I don't think these guys have heard of Oddities. Lets take a look here... It's a show about two business owners whom buy strange shit and then sell them for outrageous amounts of money. Like a 'Sss-Trait Jacket," said from Edgar. A playwright whom got strangely obsessed with a 'Sss-Trait Jacket.' Which he wanted to use in a 'play' he was writing and or producing. Whatever it is he was up to. The strangest episode (and they are all strange) is when a guy walks in with a mummified hand. He's of course trying to pawn the hand off to the Oddity people and I thought to myself, "Doesn't this go against all things about Mummies?" Like, isn't there a kind of curse about taking body parts of a mummy, holing on to the mummy, and finally pawning the mummy hand!? I believe I've seen the classic (non-Brandon Fraser) mummy movies to know you just stay the fuck away from dead people! Same rules apply to Zombies. But the point here, they take the mummy hand and have it examined by a professional. Whom not only just openly touches the hand and smells the 'oils' and 'rasen.' Then if this didn't make you freak out he implies there is a person whom tastes mummified parts. Get this, for authenticity reasons... I want to know who the fuck thought, 'We can tell if it's a real mummified body part if we taste it.

Aside from the above brain droppings which have pondered and probably resolved in my mind and felt needed to share with you. Here's some revelation for you. Yes, (hand in the air) this doesn't mean, "How." It means strike me dead if I make this up. I did a little Facebook surfing. Ya'know hunt through mutual friends and see what people have been up to. Apparently, when stumbling on my ex-fiance she apparently got married. Yes, married. And not to the guy she cheated on me with. Oh, no... And yes, I did hunt his ass down too. Both of them are losers and I feel like exploiting it. Here we go!
Okay, so she married a dude whom was in the Navy. Apparently and I quote "lost his shit" and is now going to college to master his skill in anime drawing. Provided, I've seen a couple of websites with his work. Pretty cool shit. However, I gotta say, when you call your girlfriend, fiance, wife a 'my little pony.' I gotta question a couple of things. I don't really know where to start but possibly, "Are you okay in the head?" I mean, I believe it to be the safest sentence to ask if he lost his shit for real without really saying it. Ya'know??? Though, he claims to be in the Navy... What I'm fascinated by is the idea he doesn't mention what he did and where he's been. Normal people brag that shit out. Oh, back to the ex-fiance. Well, she still to my observation doesn't do shit!? I know, still to this day probably has a shit job and has a shit situation too. Now, I saw all of two wedding photos and said to myself, 'I can't be a total douche bag and say she looks awful in that thing.' However, I also can't say it was a banging dress. Hmm.... I see what little ambiance provided to her wedding and said to myself, 'It could have been me; and thank God it's not!' Holly crap, I couldn't be caught with craptastic photos clearly not professional and obviously from the family.
Which segues me to my last brain drop of not wanting to go to my 10 year class reunion. Here's why, I don't believe for a minute in ten years people have their shit together. In 20, maybe a different story. The problem I see with this is the short time frame of 10 years to get 'your life' in order to brag about it to everyone whom made fun of you from 15-18 years old. And to see how all the people you thought were cool are clearly not, and the three people you actually stayed in touch with on Facebook are the only real friends. Punctuated by the clever sometimes seamlessly ironic notion all the jocks and preps were actually just fucked up snobby kids whom came down from the sugar high and are actually real people. You'll probably find there's some people whom are no longer with us anymore. You'll also be more than glad to find out the Valedictorian didn't really succeed in life, as much as we all thought he or she would have. Finally, all the baby momma and daddies whom couldn't have gotten each other knocked up soon enough. Provided I'm the ripe age of 25 and NOT pregnant however, I know people whom are my age and on their third child. Yeah, scary thought for me too. I see these people with kids and think to myself, 'Can I do this? Could I do this? and worst yet... Everything in my life goes on halt till mini-me is out of the house and off to college, FUCK!' Aside from all these question and ponders which quagmire in the depths of my psyche I stop and realize... I don't have to worry about kids, or weather or not people whom I went to school with are more successful than I. I don't care about them and they certainly don't care for me. It's not like Google isn't available. To be honest, when it comes right down to the final straw... No one gets a kick of going back to their roots and reminiscing, provided some good memories do floodgate. The point here is, the memories which are most relevant are the now. I spent sometime in Coos Bay, Or two years ago. Same people in the same town doing the same thing... Nothing progressed except for the fact I saw a couple of girls on the poles which I didn't know would end up there. However, the point is, everything stays the same and rarity changes it all. To them I would be considered a radical, and to the normal people of the world I'm just strange. The more I think about it, the less I'm enthused by the idea of holding on to people to be my friend. If it is, than it is... If not, then fuck it...




Brain Droppings....