The Dentist

During Thanksgiving I gave my pet toad Bill a bunch of Crickets and Meal-worms. I thought it would have been nice to fatten him up a little. I left for dinner at a friends house and coming back home all the toad food was gone. My toad is a fat ass! Granted I ate 3 servings of Thanksgiving food. However, this little guy not even the size of my thumb ate 4 Crickets and 4 Meal-worms! What a fat ass.

The other week I had gotten a phone call from a dental nurse needing my time away from work to talk about a wisdom tooth which has been giving me some trouble lately. Well, I drove to the hospital and after a five minute wait in the lobby. I was called in to the examination room.
Quick question, does anyone ever get self conscious about dentist? No joke, I tripped a little because it's like every time I go they find SOMETHING wrong with me. For example, a wisdom tooth. Anyway, I felt self conscious because I had three cups of coffee, an Italian sub and sun chips. I don't know why, for a moment I thought the guy was able to see trace amounts of whatever was stuck between my teeth. Let alone, I'm sure this guy could tell I have a sweet tooth for double-double coffees. Ya'know? I'm sure nine month old pregnant women knows what this is like. You try to shave your ankles however the baby bump just gets in the way. Then when you go to the doctors you're really hoping they notice you shaved the majority of your legs... Except the trace amount around the ankles.
Well, this next Wednesday I have the surgery to get one of my two wisdom teeth pulled. Why only one you may ask. Apparently the other is being used as a molar. The dentist back when I had braces pulled like three teeth. Which allowed him to utilize the wisdom tooth. Pretty cool shit. Either way, the doctors at the hospital don't get it. Every time I tell them, they bust out the x-ray and start counting teeth. Starting from the right and counting to the hanging wisdom tooth. At which point the doc will stop, recount three more times, then come back to me and say,
"Well I guess you're right."
No. Really!? I think I would know more about my mouth than the next person. Stupid mother fuckers. Which is why I detest going to the hospital/dentist. I don't get piss off at the doc. I mean, I don't expect him to know everything. Just the irritation of having to explain my situation to every new doctor who opens my file gets annoying.

The day after Thanksgiving on the west coast is usually a chill kind of day. People are still getting over the Turkey High they just ingested. The tempo of life is usually about 120 beats per minute (BPM). The day following Thanksgiving, it's a drastic drop of 80 BPM. I just stopped to realize something. Wouldn't it be great if the weather man could not only tell you what today, tomorrow and the next days weather is. He could also tell you at what speed your life should be going at. Example:
"Today is a slight chance or ran. In the morning be cautious of that morning fog. Around the afternoon the sun should show up a little bit. Finally the storm system from the south will come in; the rest of the week will be rain and overcast. For the most part people, start off your day at 100 BPM. Maybe bring it up to 120 BPM. Then finally slow down for the rest of the week and stay at around 75 BPM." Wouldn't it be nice for someone to be paid to tell you how the tempo of life could/should go!?
John and I went to Target because my usual "Day after Thanksgiving" tradition is to take all the left overs from Thanksgiving and make it into a Chicken Pot Pie. It was great till I found out they ran out pie shells! We went further down the street to a store called Kroger's. Walked in and I tried to find pie shells but I guess they still hadn't recouped from the early morning Black Friday shenanigans. I was walking up and down the isle trying to find the pie shells. Then I ran into an associate woman. I asked her if she could help me. Instead she gave me a good cooking tip. Apparently I can use Pillsbury Grand Biscuits as a topping shell for pies. I thanked her, and while talking to her she asked me what I was up to. I told her between three guys, I'm the only one who knows how to cook. She starts to laugh, I explained I cook dinner. While John makes breakfast and Diddly is just Diddly. The lady starts to laugh. I continued saying, "Look, I'm ever mother in-laws dream son. I cook, clean and have a career." The lady is still laughing and said, "I have a daughter named Ashley. She needs a man like you." I was kinda shocked this lady was pimping out her daughter. But I'm not one to just boast and not show face. I straight up gave the woman my phone number and told her to call me. Balls in her court now... Granted it's been a day now and no phone call. One could have only hoped. However, the Chicken Pot Pie turned out well. Two pies later and everything turned out. Not getting hooked up with a chick who sounds hot. None the less, an all around good day.

Things which piss me off.

Hi! Well surprise, I survived Key West. I had a lot of fun. Today, I would like to tell you I don't have pet peeves. I have pure adulterated hatred for things which piss me off. Pet peeves are for the weak at heart. People with pet peeves are people who allow things to piss them off. They don't say anything about it when it happens to them. Always in secrecy these people bitch about these trespasses. I'd like to let you all in a little secret. It's okay to be pissed off about things. BE PISSED OFF! Here's a couple of things which piss me off.

1. People who have too many names. I can understand the standard first, middle, last. Maybe a nickname... But after a first, middle, last, 2nd last name, nickname, stage name, alter ego.... Okay, I get it. Maybe you didn't take your husbands last name. Fuck it, I'm not tacking and saying both names. Especially those poor kids which have both mom and dad's last name together.

2. Grown men who walk around with a cowboy hat and boots in the 21'st century. It's not Halloween. If you can wear a Cowboy garb 'comfortably' in public. Than I can wear my Zombie costume and not be judged. I also can't stand people who dress like "Surfers." Same concept as the Cowboy, except these fake fucks have probably never seen an Ocean, or have ever owned a surf board.

3. I cant understand parents who have children the age of 8-17 with fucking cell phones. I could never understand kids in this age who are allowed to have cell phones which do more than text and call. Let's pedal back a little bit, back when I was a kid I would ask my parent(s) to go play with friends. I would be told by my parent to call on the hour or stop by the house and check in. Which I did. If I didn't, I would be brought back home (because mommy and daddy knew where I was) and I would be grounded. Life as a child would be fucked up with extra chores for a couple of days. But a lesson would be learned. Okay, we got this out of the way. But what is a 8-17 year old child doing with a fucking phone which can: take photos, surf the internet, views videos, photos, calendars, takes notes, or sets reminders (usually for the forgetful), GPS, plays games, shows stocks, forecasts the weather, or allows you to buy tickets for travel and finally gives you email access. Calculators, Compasses, and Voice memos.... What the fuck is an 8 year old (and above) going to do with all this shit!? No, no sorry... Your child can walk across the fucking street at this age check in with the ADULT and or make a phone call. It's not rocket science and your pocket wouldn't be having a fucking hole in it at the end of the month. Take a moment parents of 2012, and cast yourself back to when you were a kid. Reflect for a moment, then come back to reality for a second and somehow make a comment below how I'm wrong.

4. I get probably more pissed off at people who would be hilarious on a stage being a comic but feel like they have to a comic 24/7. Let me explain... Not everyone has to be hilarious all the time. I think the worst of it is when a person acts funny, and also an asshole at the same time.  (check it out... I used 4 words with the letter A in succession) Here's the example, a guy is at the party and he's telling a story about how no one at his job knew who he was for the longest time. A couple of people are laughing. He's laughing at his own story. Which also pisses me off to no end... People laughing at there own expense of a stupid story. I stepped in and asked, "So let me get this straight, you weren't doing anything for anyone in six months. Then come to find out no one knew of your existence?" The "funny guy" agrees with me. Just to make sure I got the story in full. Then he said, "To add, the shop I work for don't even want me." To which I replied with, "Gee, I wonder why." Look, I'm not out for the guy. I'm sure he's hilarious (hence the irony). But the funny guy can't get offended because he doesn't get a laugh out of someone who can see through the bullshit. Granted my humor is dark, ironic, and mildly sadistic, with a hint of gossip. Neither of which I feel funny guy hit throughout the whole night. Like, I get it if you are a comedian and you can entertain a crowed. However, it really annoys me when a comedian is 'on' all the time.

5. I'm also pissed off for the fact Football, Golf, Baseball, basically all sports men with a contract allowing them to be paid with benefits more so than our Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen. Not excluding our Police, Firemen and EMS. We're talking about the undeclared war of Entertainment v. National Security. I get the fact these sportsmen are involved with "contact" sports. However, to have the balls to be paid more than a man who's sacrificed his life for a nation. Than turn around and ask for more benefits.

Well, these are a few things which piss me off. I'm open to discussion on any of these points. Comment your thoughts below.

Key West will get you in the end.

Last Wednesday I traveled to Key West on Company travel. My first day was terrible. Traveled 2 hours on flight, got to the office space provided for my stay. Our group unpacked and worked till 11:30pm to get to the hotel at 12:30am the latest. I then turned around and awoke at 3:45am for work the next morning. So, initially being in Key West sucked balls.

Okay, the thing I would like to say about Key West is; Duval St. has two sides. From the corner clock to the left is where all the bars are. To the right, is Gay, gay, and gay-er.... Up till the point you get to the Denny's.

Well, first thing was first. I went walking around finding cool stuff for Christmas. Diddly and I walked around for the most part and then went to see an escape artists escape from a straightjacket, 5 chains and 3 hand cuffs. Which not only was entertaining, but amazing to see. The bars are not as impressive, however, there is a little bit of history. I think the best place to start is when I went to Ernest Hemingway's home.
Apparently the guy's home is on the second tallest elevation of all Key West. 16 feet above sea water. These are the facts I'm working with. LOL! The guy owns 48 cats at his home. Have you ever heard of a little show on TV called Animal Hoarders? For a home that has 48 cats, it was very well kept. But here's how his home was set up. There was a hallway in the middle with a staircase on the right, to the left was a living room. Across the way was the dinning room with a simple fireplace. Behind was the kitchen. Up stairs was the master bedroom, bathroom and study. Guess what this guy has, two wrap around porches. One on the main floor and one on the second floor. However, like most artists I was really impressed by the studio Ernest used to write his books. But like a bad nightmare it hit me, the question we've been asking. "How the hell do they pay for the pet bills!?" Question mother fucking answered. At the end of the whole tour the guy told us about the book store. My personal favorite book being "The Old Man And The Sea." I went into the shop and looked at the "collectors items." The book I love being one of them was being sold for $80!!! Let's back up and repeat that shit, "The Old Man And The Sea" is being sold for 80 fucking dollars! Talk about highway fucking robbery. I got the idea being in the tour that Ernest was a funny guy. I didn't think he was going to be making a running pass joke on my wallet. So for fear of my wallet, I turned around and walked straight off the premises. All in all, Hemingway was a mild fail. Beautiful house. However, a fail.

Later on in the night I went to a couple of bars. The first being "Fat Tuesdays" which is a walk in open window bar. I literally walked in, and again like I did in Hemingway's home I walked right back out. Then I went to "The Bull" which has three floors to it. The first two are typical pub atmospheres. However, what happens on top is a basic nude bar. Body painted women dancing, serving liquor to a huge sausage fest. Old guys, young men, every tourist with a dick went to the third floor. While I'm hanging out with Rose along the strip of Duval St. I ran into an amazing gypsy artists by the name of Kenyatta Arrington. He is a rocker whom played with Jimmy Hendricks back in the day. Really cool gem to find in a small island. I got a demo of his work as well as a fair trade of giving him some of my own personal music too.

 The second night was hanging out with Jaz at the corner pub outside of base. Here I met up with Mc, Cronix, and Diddly. The guys and I decided after 3 drinks we should take a walk to the strip club. So we ditched Jaz at the pub, later she would go to the local gay club "Aqua."
Here's what happened with the "Gentleman's Club." The guys and I picked our seating and instantly this chick named Emma comes walking up. She looked all of 20 years old. I don't play with new girls. So, I passed her off to Diddly whom literally had that chicks attention all night. Meanwhile, Mc bought me my first dance with this 40 year old woman who Jew'd me out of dance. Here's how this operation goes down, $20 is suppose to buy me one private dance for the duration of one song. This hoe gave me half a dance. But to be honest, I guess I learned a little something. I like cougars when they're interested in giving me attention. However, 40 year old tits in my face isn't my jive. Come on ladies be a little classy. Well, after getting Jew'd out of my first dance. Cronix and I met the girl who would literally entertain the rest of our night.
I don't remember her name, nor care, but I'll call her Amber. The only thing I can remember about Amber is she spoke bad Polish. Had CHINESE tattoos on her spine and was a fake blond. Well, I'm laying down the German while Cronix is speaking Spanish. So, really it was a competition of which language she liked, I guess.... At one point I asked her if she liked German Chocolate or Spanish Candy. She answered me with a free dance. Either way, I had like four solos with the girl. The next day after work I would run into Amber at "Sloppy Joes." I didn't expect to see her, but I never had a situation where I would meet a dancer from the other night. So, I said, "What's up!?" I bought her a drink and then went on my way. Diddly would run into Emma outside of the Gentleman's Club too.
So, get this... Ernest had helped the owner of the "Sloppy Joes" pub move down the block because the rent on the original establishment was too high. So, they moved it down a block and Ernest took a urinal troth back to his home and has since then used it to hold water for his 48 fucking cats.

I'm going to lay it out there for everyone... Key West is cool but only for about three to four days. After that, it's not the best place in the world. It's a huge tourist trap. At one point I didn't even want to be on the island. In fact, Virginia Beach (as boring as it is) is fucking better than Key West.