2015 in Review

I get it... A lot of people are like: Sean did you learn anything from this year? The short answer is no... The long answer is NOoooooOOOOOOOoooooo.... However, after putting some serious thought into this question. I realized if I was to recap this year we would have to bring up some past post. Maybe elaborate on them and explain some things. So for those whom hold out till the end of year to read this re-cap episode. Go team retards!

In February I learned as long as you have a puppy in your car and going 20 miles over the speed limit in California. You can get away with a misdemeanor. Which in California is also considered Reckless Driving, which is also considered Drinking and Driving. Which is also no good for me. I can be having Drinking and Driving on my record after I got a ticket for having a pair of Dr. Dre Beats on my head while driving... Allegedly....

In April I realized you can play video games from Super Nintendo and never have to worry about glitches in the game console system. Unlike in todays age you have to wait three console updates before a final product is bearable. So, lets kick it off with a trio of video games from Super Nintendo which crossed over to the X Box 360.

Mortal Kombat: Not the reboot they tried to do. This is literally all three arcade games in one go. And for $3 on Xbox Live! I couldn't pass this nostalgia up. Let me tell you, I owned Mortal Kombat and MK3 on the Super Nintendo. MK was easy back in the day, MK3 made me its bitch at the ripe age of eight. Almost two decades later and MK, MK2, and MK3 still kick my ass... But it's not so much of player's malfunction.
It's 2015 and I live in a age of mobile freedom. Controllers with wires are a thing of the past. But lordy do I wish they were in my household. Everything is wireless these days! Anyway, the learning curve came real quickly to MK, MK2 and MK3 when I would try the good old fashion Down, Left, Punch combo. Low and behold my character (Sub-Zero) looked like he was trying to pull of the hokie-pokie. Which subsequently ended with my ass getting beat by Kano. Which by the way, I'm still trying to figure out if it still means anything when I get my ass kicked by the video game with the first opponent.
Then I decided to swap to MK2 and it was like Mortal Kombat on steroids. After getting my but kicked by the CPU and not seeing myself progressing at all on the totem pole I turned the game off.

Later that night my wife and I are playing MK3 because it has more characters. She chose the tactic of playing the same character. Me, I'm playing as everyone. From Sub-Zero to Sheeva.... Let us just say there's an issue when every character I played is getting their butt kicked by Sindell. Sure she's got like three special moves, which took my wife an hour to manipulate. However, for the most part... It was still the visual of my life getting handed to me by my wife via the lamest character in the whole game.
We've decided though if we have any conflicts in life we should defiantly take it all out on a round of Mortal Kombat. And whomever wins is the winner of the issue at hand. I might as well throw in the towel.

This year for my Birthday was the Mayflower/Pac-Man fight which let me say was like watching a mosquito's penis on the labia fold of a hunch back whale. But we all learned to not mix beer with tequila. Furthermore any friend of mine whom plans on dipping and using a beer bottle as a spittoon should make sure I don't drink of said bottle spittoon.

In June I realized a couple of things. I love the Silent Hill franchise when the ball was rolling. I however, do not like the way the series has been ran up the ringer. Hung to dry and dropped like a piece of shit. Yes, I sound like a whiny fan boy with it's motor broken.
I also learned my arch nemesis Vincent, from Middle School grew up to be a piece of shit. Karma is sweet.

July was one of those months I realized I was loading up a lot on my plate. Next year, absolutely take one thing at a time.

In September thru to November I realized between moving from a crap-tastic condo to an apartment closer to the main town. Finally, we celebrated Halloween and had an amazing dinner with Diddly and his wife. Even his mother and father came to Washington! Which was exciting too.

Finally, December.... I work the night shift now. I'm back to a supervisor position and going to college to be come a Black Belt Business Professional. We had Christmas with the Graves' family this year. Which was a new chapter in my personal history. It's been 13 years since I've done this song and dance. 

Dear Netflix

I'm pissed... Every year you put the Nutcracker Sweet on Netflix and I have the enjoyment of watching my favorite three movies around this time of the year. However, now I have to settle with A Christmas Carol and White Christmas without the Nutcracker Sweet. And instead I have to settle with Tory Spelling pretending to sing, "sing" her heart out to Christmas cheer my heart!? No... No... No....

Anyway... I'm just going on record to say Krampus saved my year as a new addition to my Holiday Movie Trifecta. Movie review, here we go!

Krampus, as the name implies is a movie about Krampus. Shock and Aw... However, the real story is thinly laid out on an idiot plot. Krampus comes to town to take everything. Unlike the father of giving, i.e. Saint Nicholas.

Anyway, we have the usual Christmas story line of a family welcoming their relatives for the season which means EVERYONE has there own way of celebrating. Well, little Johnny, after some harassment from his cousins decides to wish they (his family) all went away. Low and behold like the goblin's from Labyrinth. That's all Krampus needed to get the ball rolling.

So a big cloud hangs over the house. A typical Michigan storm takes hold and we get to see the goat-man demon of Christmas. However, he's not as prominent in the movie. A lot of Krampus' henchmen being demented toys and 'evil elfs' come to torment little Johnny and his family. Via snatching them up one by one.

By the time everyone is snatched by Krampus he gives little Johnny a little bell with his call sign on it. Leaving the boy in a winter storm after taking everything away from him. Well, the movie, kinda sorta ended on that note and the wife and I are like, "That's the movie!?" Nope, the final act is the boy trying to explain to Krampus all he wanted was a 'Normal Christmas' the way it used to be. There's all of one second of negotiating with Krampus. Which I don't know why, but I had a moment of feeling more for the evil Krampus. He's just doing his job. Apparently it's not good enough. Thus the movie ends. Ends in a 'was it all just a dream' sequence which proved to be flawed just moments later.

The movie is atmospheric. Filled with cliche characters. However, not filled so much to the brim of cliche characters, life choices and idiot plot we, the audience, are neglected of a horror film Christmas style. Ya'know? Any case, the movie ends with a satisfyingly. I'll go on record to say a reimagining of what would have happened if Jack Skelington tried to be Saint Nicholas was totally used in this film. With finally a healthy dose of jump scares which I would expect coming from the same director and writer of "Trick 'r Treat."

I'm Scrooge to Christmas Movies

It's not that I have it out for Christmas Movies or the season of the year. However, back in 2013 I wrote a blog about "Wholesome Movies" and why they're detrimental to society. And it wasn't till last night when flipping through the categories of Netflix I realized Holiday movies might as well be lumped into the same stew pot.

First movie on the chopping block is another Tim Allen flick of him not being Santa this time, however, trying to be cynical about the whole Christmas season. Which as we can already gander from the two sentence movie description will have him go through a change of heart and love the fuck out of some Christmas.

I'll Be Home for Christmas has to be the next movie up, because I'm sticking to a Home Improvement theme. I remember when Johathan Taylor Thomas was a thing and this was one of those 'movies' for the fans at the seasonal time. Premises consist of him being dressed up as Santa in the desert and learning a life lesson about being humble.

Another category of Christmas Movies which I got burnt out of really quickly in childhood was the thought Santa is this all powerful man. He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake. He can slide up and down a chimney. He has flying fucking Reindeer. AND ELFS! Why on Earth does it seem like writers take a bunch of sticky notes. Post them on the wall of fucked up scenarios and which ever ones the darts land on is the unavoidable plot he is fixed in and can only be saved by the star of the show. As if to say we're not watching Christmas movies because of Santa anymore. Here's a few examples of Santa being a little bitch:
The Search for Santa Paws: "When Santa loses his memory, a puppy pal will have to help him remember who's naughty and who's nice." Talk about really spooning for the bottom of the barrel.
Santa Buddies: "These young pups get some help finding their Christmas spirit - just in time to help Santa travel the globe!"
Get Santa: "Santa's arrested and his sleigh's been locked up? No worries! One kid and his dad are on a mission to save Christmas!"
Finally, Santa Claws: "Poor Santa has kittens to deliver, but they make him sneeze. If the kittens can't help, they'll be on the naughty list!"
I hope everyone read these and noticed a consistency within them. First, Santa has something fucked up happen to him. He has one job in the whole world to do. Segregate the Naughty and Nice kids and deliver presents to those whom deserve it. None of this, 'puppy pal' crap helping him remember who's naughty or nice. As if Santa is somehow going through dementia. Let alone being locked in the slammer. What, for looking like an old fuck? Finally, Santa has a feline hypersensitivity!? I can't... I can't even.... You know what... If I was the creator of these flicks, the first question I would ask is, "Who the fuck would care?"

Another nifty group of movies is when they take Santa and ghetto the fuck out of him. As if to say he's a man of many styles. Not some Anglo-Saxon of ye-oldie days and lives eternally in his winter castle... Much like the Snow King in Adventure Time. However, in a movie aptly titled "A Country Christmas: A bah-humbug politician wants to banish Santa. But a couple of kids aren't about to let him ruin Christmas!" So now we're melding the arching story line of "A Christmas Carol" by English writer Charles Dickens and then mashing it with Santa. And then mashing it with Dollywood.... I'm not here to say the South doesn't celebrate Christmas. I know they can't quit Santa and the Easter Bunny if it was to save their life from a twister. They're more apt to celebrating Christmas and Easter than Halloween because they would feel more into the season by calling it a Harvest Festival. The politically correct fucks.
Needless to say, doesn't it say something about Government when even in Holiday movies they're the bad guy. No matter what.... Always the sour milk attitude toward a otherwise culturally accepted holiday and its up to two snot nosed kids to 'change the world.' As Bill Nye would say it. Next thing you know I'm an hour and a half into a film and learned two things: 1. I could write a movie about the trials and tribulations of Santa. 2. I just lost an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

Thanks Santa!