It's not that I have it out for Christmas Movies or the season of the year. However, back in 2013 I wrote a blog about "Wholesome Movies" and why they're detrimental to society. And it wasn't till last night when flipping through the categories of Netflix I realized Holiday movies might as well be lumped into the same stew pot.
First movie on the chopping block is another Tim Allen flick of him not being Santa this time, however, trying to be cynical about the whole Christmas season. Which as we can already gander from the two sentence movie description will have him go through a change of heart and love the fuck out of some Christmas.
I'll Be Home for Christmas has to be the next movie up, because I'm sticking to a Home Improvement theme. I remember when Johathan Taylor Thomas was a thing and this was one of those 'movies' for the fans at the seasonal time. Premises consist of him being dressed up as Santa in the desert and learning a life lesson about being humble.
Another category of Christmas Movies which I got burnt out of really quickly in childhood was the thought Santa is this all powerful man. He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake. He can slide up and down a chimney. He has flying fucking Reindeer. AND ELFS! Why on Earth does it seem like writers take a bunch of sticky notes. Post them on the wall of fucked up scenarios and which ever ones the darts land on is the unavoidable plot he is fixed in and can only be saved by the star of the show. As if to say we're not watching Christmas movies because of Santa anymore. Here's a few examples of Santa being a little bitch:
The Search for Santa Paws: "When Santa loses his memory, a puppy pal will have to help him remember who's naughty and who's nice." Talk about really spooning for the bottom of the barrel.
Santa Buddies: "These young pups get some help finding their Christmas spirit - just in time to help Santa travel the globe!"
Get Santa: "Santa's arrested and his sleigh's been locked up? No worries! One kid and his dad are on a mission to save Christmas!"
Finally, Santa Claws: "Poor Santa has kittens to deliver, but they make him sneeze. If the kittens can't help, they'll be on the naughty list!"
I hope everyone read these and noticed a consistency within them. First, Santa has something fucked up happen to him. He has one job in the whole world to do. Segregate the Naughty and Nice kids and deliver presents to those whom deserve it. None of this, 'puppy pal' crap helping him remember who's naughty or nice. As if Santa is somehow going through dementia. Let alone being locked in the slammer. What, for looking like an old fuck? Finally, Santa has a feline hypersensitivity!? I can't... I can't even.... You know what... If I was the creator of these flicks, the first question I would ask is, "Who the fuck would care?"
Another nifty group of movies is when they take Santa and ghetto the fuck out of him. As if to say he's a man of many styles. Not some Anglo-Saxon of ye-oldie days and lives eternally in his winter castle... Much like the Snow King in Adventure Time. However, in a movie aptly titled "A Country Christmas: A bah-humbug politician wants to banish Santa. But a couple of kids aren't about to let him ruin Christmas!" So now we're melding the arching story line of "A Christmas Carol" by English writer Charles Dickens and then mashing it with Santa. And then mashing it with Dollywood.... I'm not here to say the South doesn't celebrate Christmas. I know they can't quit Santa and the Easter Bunny if it was to save their life from a twister. They're more apt to celebrating Christmas and Easter than Halloween because they would feel more into the season by calling it a Harvest Festival. The politically correct fucks.
Needless to say, doesn't it say something about Government when even in Holiday movies they're the bad guy. No matter what.... Always the sour milk attitude toward a otherwise culturally accepted holiday and its up to two snot nosed kids to 'change the world.' As Bill Nye would say it. Next thing you know I'm an hour and a half into a film and learned two things: 1. I could write a movie about the trials and tribulations of Santa. 2. I just lost an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.
Thanks Santa!
First movie on the chopping block is another Tim Allen flick of him not being Santa this time, however, trying to be cynical about the whole Christmas season. Which as we can already gander from the two sentence movie description will have him go through a change of heart and love the fuck out of some Christmas.
I'll Be Home for Christmas has to be the next movie up, because I'm sticking to a Home Improvement theme. I remember when Johathan Taylor Thomas was a thing and this was one of those 'movies' for the fans at the seasonal time. Premises consist of him being dressed up as Santa in the desert and learning a life lesson about being humble.
Another category of Christmas Movies which I got burnt out of really quickly in childhood was the thought Santa is this all powerful man. He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake. He can slide up and down a chimney. He has flying fucking Reindeer. AND ELFS! Why on Earth does it seem like writers take a bunch of sticky notes. Post them on the wall of fucked up scenarios and which ever ones the darts land on is the unavoidable plot he is fixed in and can only be saved by the star of the show. As if to say we're not watching Christmas movies because of Santa anymore. Here's a few examples of Santa being a little bitch:
The Search for Santa Paws: "When Santa loses his memory, a puppy pal will have to help him remember who's naughty and who's nice." Talk about really spooning for the bottom of the barrel.
Santa Buddies: "These young pups get some help finding their Christmas spirit - just in time to help Santa travel the globe!"
Get Santa: "Santa's arrested and his sleigh's been locked up? No worries! One kid and his dad are on a mission to save Christmas!"
Finally, Santa Claws: "Poor Santa has kittens to deliver, but they make him sneeze. If the kittens can't help, they'll be on the naughty list!"
I hope everyone read these and noticed a consistency within them. First, Santa has something fucked up happen to him. He has one job in the whole world to do. Segregate the Naughty and Nice kids and deliver presents to those whom deserve it. None of this, 'puppy pal' crap helping him remember who's naughty or nice. As if Santa is somehow going through dementia. Let alone being locked in the slammer. What, for looking like an old fuck? Finally, Santa has a feline hypersensitivity!? I can't... I can't even.... You know what... If I was the creator of these flicks, the first question I would ask is, "Who the fuck would care?"
Another nifty group of movies is when they take Santa and ghetto the fuck out of him. As if to say he's a man of many styles. Not some Anglo-Saxon of ye-oldie days and lives eternally in his winter castle... Much like the Snow King in Adventure Time. However, in a movie aptly titled "A Country Christmas: A bah-humbug politician wants to banish Santa. But a couple of kids aren't about to let him ruin Christmas!" So now we're melding the arching story line of "A Christmas Carol" by English writer Charles Dickens and then mashing it with Santa. And then mashing it with Dollywood.... I'm not here to say the South doesn't celebrate Christmas. I know they can't quit Santa and the Easter Bunny if it was to save their life from a twister. They're more apt to celebrating Christmas and Easter than Halloween because they would feel more into the season by calling it a Harvest Festival. The politically correct fucks.
Needless to say, doesn't it say something about Government when even in Holiday movies they're the bad guy. No matter what.... Always the sour milk attitude toward a otherwise culturally accepted holiday and its up to two snot nosed kids to 'change the world.' As Bill Nye would say it. Next thing you know I'm an hour and a half into a film and learned two things: 1. I could write a movie about the trials and tribulations of Santa. 2. I just lost an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.
Thanks Santa!
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